The Puppet Master Page 16
They left the shelter feeling good about themselves. His uncle, in his typical kind and selfless nature, had even given some money and his number to the two girls. They stopped at a local cafe in a bookshop that they both liked. His uncle brought the tray over to their table and Adam was surprised to see a sombre expression on his face. He sat down with a sigh and looked at Adam as if to make sure that he definitely had Adam’s attention.
“Right, as you’ve probably guessed, I need to talk to you, son. I’ve got a problem back home and I need to spend more time there, sorting it out. I know I promised you that I would come at least once a month but would it be okay if I didn’t for a little bit?”
“I suppose so, what’s wrong?”
“Well, I guess I may as well tell you. You know that Sylv has granddaughters? Well, one of them, Billie. She’s becoming a bit of a handful. Not doing as she’s told. Rebelling. It’s upsetting all the family. She used to be such a well-behaved and loving girl, but something has changed. She’s just getting out of hand. No one seems to be able to control her but she responds well to me. So I need to be around more. Do you understand?”
Adam assured his uncle that it was okay, it didn’t matter. Deep down, he was angry at this girl, Billie. Didn’t she know that he didn’t have anyone else? That his uncle’s visits were the only happy times in his life. He was so lonely. His uncle had told him that men aren’t supposed to show their emotions, they are meant to be stoic and strong. But day after day, he got up to a house that may as well be empty as his father slept for most of the day and then he went to university for a few hours each week. He was rubbish at making friends, he was too used to being alone, and he just couldn’t find a way to connect with anyone. No matter much he wanted to. When he came home, the house was usually empty or he would have to clear up his father and the mess he created. Most of the time he would make a meal for one and sit at the breakfast bar in the kitchen. Some days he would imagine his mother sitting on the seat opposite. He would tell her about his day. He longed to hear one of her silly stories that she would engineer just to make him laugh. Even his imagined image of her lit up the dreary kitchen. So when he got to escape the draining solitude with his uncle, it made his life worth living. Each visit gave him the strength to fight his sadness and it gave him hope for the future. His uncle was more than just his uncle, he was someone he could aspire to, and he was someone he could emulate when he wasn’t sure who he was. He was always at the end of the phone and he didn’t know what his life would be like now without him. He wished he could say all of this to his uncle so that he would know that even missing one month was going to be awful.
But he had always wanted to be like his uncle. So this was his perfect opportunity. Adam had seen his uncle act selflessly so many times. This was Adam’s turn. After all, Adam knew first hand exactly how much of a difference having his uncle could make to a person’s life. He hoped that this girl knew how lucky she was. To have someone who was so kind and thoughtful taking care of her and trying to put her life back on track. He wished that he could help. She was so lucky to have an entire family up there.
As his uncle dropped him at home and then set off for his four hour drive back home, Adam wondered, not for the first time, why his uncle refused to let him visit up there. Adam had met Sylvia once, but not any of her family. He often thought that if his uncle just let him visit, he might be able to become part of the family. But his uncle was adamant and he always had a reason why he couldn’t go. He didn’t push it because he didn’t want to risk angering his uncle. He was all he had. This Billie had better appreciate everything that his uncle did for her.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
2010
Billie
Billie sat on her bed and stared at her feet in pure misery. Even though she had closed the curtains, she knew he was out there. Watching for a glimpse of her. She had seen him today when her mum had driven around to the house to pick up Gran for work. She was driving in with them as she didn’t need to be in school until later. She had sat in the back seat and as her mum pulled the car away, Eric caught her eye and winked at her with a knowing look. She shrunk down in the seat and tried to push the image to the back of her mind. When would this ever end? Every time that she saw him, she felt sick. No matter how hard she scrubbed her body, she couldn’t ever be clean. He had ruined her life. How could she ever hope to marry or escape him? She was terrified of men. Her brief fling with Carl was going to be the only relationship she would ever have. She would never have sex without thinking about the awful things that Eric had done to her. She knew from her reading and movies that sex was a requirement in a marriage and she was broken. Eric had taken something that most people considered special and he had made it crude and disgusting, and he had made her fear it. She had no friends to turn to because they had now become indifferent to her presence. She would never be one of them and she just didn’t have the courage to even try to build relationships. She had only enough energy to get through school, get through the torment that was Eric and then go home.
That day, she walked around school like a zombie and relied completely on her autopilot mode to get her to the right classroom. She managed to get through school with only hitting a few walls because she wasn’t watching where she was going. One of the nicer teachers in school had asked if there was something wrong as she looked so listless and pale. But there wasn’t anything wrong; there was just nothing. She wasn’t overwhelmed by her thoughts; she was just empty. Trying to live a normal life while stamping out the memories of her time with Eric and dealing with the foreboding that flooded her when she wasn’t with him, was just too much. She couldn’t do it any more. But there was no way out. If she didn’t play along he might go for her sister, she knew this wasn’t very likely but could she really take that chance? She went home on the bus and sat on her bed, staring at her feet, trying to will away the hopelessness that was coursing through her.
She could try explaining to her mum again but she had understood the subtext last time that she tried, her mum wasn’t in the position to help right now. She should grin and bear it. She had told her something fairly minor that Eric had done as a test. She couldn’t tell her mum anything else because she would not even know how to put it into words. She felt dirty and disgusted with herself just thinking about what happened. She couldn’t imagine having actually to say the words. So she settled on one of the many times that Eric had offered her money in exchange for sexual favours. She went with one of the least traumatic times which meant she would not have to mention any specific body parts or acts. She had given her mother the quick notes version but she remembered every detail. They were stood in the kitchen and her gran was, of course, sewing.
“You can have this money, but you have to let me put it down there for you.” He leered at her private parts and pointed to her jeans. She didn’t know what to say, saying no just angered him and that was never wise. So she had just ignored him and made some non-committal noises. “Come on; it’s not like I’m making you do it for free.” He eventually gave up. This time, with Gran being in the next room, meant he couldn’t do anything else. Not that she’d notice.
She had sat at the end of her bed and poured out the story while her mum was putting on her nightly routine of creams. She stopped rubbing in the cream for a second when Billie mentioned ‘private parts’ but then continued again. It was the only sign that she was listening. When Billie finished, her mum was so quiet she wondered if she was going to say anything. She got up to leave but just as she was about to move her mum spoke.
“Look, that sounds awful but I can’t really afford to lose your gran from the firm at the moment, we are in the midst of a massive case and I can’t afford to lose anyone. It would tear this family apart. He might not have even done it; he could have been drunk; he could have been joking. I don’t know, Billie. It seems too trivial a thing to create such an uproar over. I tell you what, if he does something worse then we will go to the police. In the mean
time, why don’t you go to counselling? Get your head straight.”
Billie agreed and then left the room.
Her mum had said the exact words that Eric had been saying. She would rip the family apart if she said anything. As soon as her mum had said that it was like her worst fear had come to life. She couldn’t stop thinking; what if everything else Eric said was right, what if her mum had known all along and didn’t mind? The scenario she had hoped for involving her mum becoming outraged and storming over to their house and trying to beat Eric up and get him arrested, was destroyed by the knowledge that Eric was right. She shouldn’t have been surprised; after all, her gran had had near enough the same reaction. Billie couldn’t even cry in disappointment. She was just grateful she wasn’t going to be taken away like her gran had said all those years ago when she tried to talk about it. So she went back to ignoring the problem and it was never mentioned again.
Now, sat on her bed, that conversation a distant memory, her heart hurt. She just wanted to be able to tell someone and they would pick her up and take her away from this awful, terrible situation. He was everywhere she looked. She couldn’t escape him and he knew it. But there was one way that he couldn’t get to her any more. She had thought about killing herself before, but truth be told she was scared of what would happen once she had.
She believed in heaven and hell but she was convinced that she would be going to hell. She had told so many lies in her life so far. She knew that this was all her fault. There was no doubt that in some way she had led Eric on, she had let him think that she wanted whatever he was doing. Then when she changed her mind, he got nasty. So what right did she have to tear the family apart by making them have to go to the police and tell them what had happened? Tonight, though, she was more scared of living than she was of going to hell. She had no fight left in her to keep living a normal life for her family’s benefit. The confusion and debates in her head were constant and she just couldn’t handle it any more. She couldn’t imagine a future without him leering at her. His face was everywhere; he had infested her life and there wasn’t anyone to help her be rid of him. The only way he would not be able to control her was if she were dead. It was the only way that she would be free. The thought gave her hope and she was sure that this return of feeling meant that she was doing the right thing.
She jumped off the bed and slowly walked downstairs. Matthew was in the living room with two of his friends that he had known from school. She had already greeted them when she got back from school so she just walked quickly through to the kitchen. She was glad her mum was still at work as she would have insisted that she ‘come down and be sociable’. With the breakfast bar in the way, she was pretty confident that no one would see her empty the medicine cabinet of anything that looked like painkillers, she took lots of the ibuprofen as that looked like it would be more harmful than just the paracetamol. She didn’t do things by half measures, she would do this properly, it had to work. Getting up, she stuffed the pills into her jumper pocket and returned to her room. Billie sat on her bed, with her dirty white teddy that she had always had, on her knee. She always had it near and guarded it as her mum had threatened numerous times to wash it. She began popping a pill at a time out of the packets, she took them one at a time in the beginning but the more she took, the more confident she became that she was making the right decision. She took more and more in one go. Soon there were no tablets left. She lay down on the bed and smiled. She couldn’t wait to be free. No more living under the threat of Eric. No more pretending to be normal when inside she was breaking. She was so relieved this ordeal would be over; she didn’t even feel guilty about what her death would do to her family.
Billie felt dizzy and lethargic, but she didn’t feel like she was dying. It had been an hour and she was still conscious, she couldn’t sleep because she could hear her pulse thumping away in her head. She was distraught. Why wasn’t it working? Billie looked at the packets of tablets; there were over forty. Why on earth was it not working? Why couldn’t she escape? It wasn’t fair. She couldn’t even die when she wanted. She stumbled out her room and down the stairs. Instead of going through to the living room, she went out through the front door. She could hear disjointed laughter coming from behind her. Why wouldn’t they go away? Didn’t they understand she needed this? Tears poured down her face as she lurched up the road away from her house. Her vision was blurry from the tears and the dizziness that she felt. She fell to her knees but kept picking herself up. This would end today. She would find a way.
“Billie? Oh my God, Billie!” a voice shouted at her as she attempted to pick herself up off the floor again. Hands came around her face directing her head up, through her fuzzy vision she could make out the face of Gillian, her mother’s friend that lived on the same street as Billie.
“Are you drunk?” she questioned Billie. At the sound of the concern in her voice, Billie split open. She was unable to keep it in any more. She had had enough.
“Why isn’t it working? I took all those pills and it’s not working… I want it to work… I can’t… do… it any more.” She heaved, emotion steam-rolling her, making it hard to get her words out. Gillian’s hands came under her armpits bringing her onto her feet.
“Billie, sweetheart, I need you to walk for me, just a few steps, my house is right there.” Billie pushed at her hands and screeched in what she hoped was Gillian’s direction as she couldn’t make anything out any more; her vision was getting black around the edges.
“I need to die! I need to be free!” The desperation she felt inside made her collapse with more tears. She was swept up, presumably by Gillian. A few short minutes later she was sat down.
“Drink this, Billie. I need you to drink this now!” Gillian was shouting at her. A glass bumped against her teeth and she tasted salt water, she tried to spit it out, but her head was forced back and the drink poured down her throat. Once it was empty, the glass was taken away. Billie tried to curl up in a ball, but Gillian’s firm hands stopped her, she took Billie’s face and forced her to look at her. The dizziness was getting worse and she could just make out the look of terror in Gillian’s eyes. She tried to put a hand on Gillian’s face, to let her know it was okay. This was the only way, but her hands were heavy and she was struggling to breathe.
“Roger has called your mum, she will be here in seconds; the office isn’t far. Hang on, sweetie; you need to stay awake. I need to try and make you sick. Can you put your fingers down your throat?” Billie could barely understand what she was saying. She heard the odd word but it wasn’t making any sense. She just wanted to go to sleep. Her body and soul were exhausted. Weary of the life she’d been living. Ready to move on. But her head was pounding with the beat of her heart and it was so loud it was preventing any thoughts of rest. Billie felt fingers going down her throat and couldn’t work out if they were hers or not. She felt like a floppy rag doll. Like her body and mind were nearly unconnected, it was only the sound of her pounding heart keeping her from floating away.
Fingers wrapped around her hand and she would know their touch anywhere. She was a baby again and here was her mother, come to wipe away her tears with her soft fingers on her face. She tried to move towards where she thought her mother was, but she had no strength to open her eyes, instead she felt herself falling. The world went black around her but she could feel her mother’s hand in hers. Why does she keep hurting me? Every few seconds her mother was pinching her hand, but then she would kiss it. She couldn’t remember the last time her mother had kissed her hand. It was nice. She knew there was something she was supposed to be doing but right now her mother’s soft hand in hers was all she could think of.
She thought she could hear a siren, why would Mum set the fire alarm off? What was going on? Billie was scared. She couldn’t open her eyes. She couldn’t feel anything except her mum’s hand in hers. Sleep was calling to her but each time she tried to allow herself to sleep her mother would pinch her again and she was unable to drift of
f. She was exhausted, she couldn’t stave it off any more, and she couldn’t feel her mother’s hand any more. Why would she let go, didn’t she want her anymore? Didn’t she know that Billie was scared and needed her?
Chapter Thirty
2010
Billie
Billie opened her eyes as pain coursed through her body. The nurse that had rudely prodded her into consciousness had told her that she was so close to dying that her life had been balanced on a knife edge and that she was a ‘silly girl’. She said that she had probably got long lasting damage to her stomach lining and that it was going to be a lengthy road to recovery. After this heart-warming speech, her mother came into the room. She looked dreadful. Black mascara streamed down her face, marking the paths her tears had taken. Someone cleared their throat from the back of the room. Her mum’s sister; Aunty Susan took a few steps forward and appeared from the darkness. Mum said that the police would be coming to speak to her soon and that she would have to tell them everything. They had been to Grandma’s house to persuade her to leave Eric now that everything was going to come out but Gran had refused, calling Billie a liar and had insisted that she wanted nothing to do with any of them. Billie’s heart sank, the very reason that she had kept quiet for all these years was because she had wanted to avoid this. Her family was now fractured in half all because she was weak and a coward. She was also really scared. All those warnings from Eric about no one believing her were playing in her head. What if the police didn’t believe her? Everyone would think she was a liar then and she would have no one. What had she done? The fear was all consuming. She felt so ill. So she closed her eyes to the world and prayed for sleep.