The Puppet Master Page 14

  For the past four years she had relied on him. Even though at times she didn’t understand what he was doing. The love and attention that he gave her, the support when she felt she had no one, that was worth so much to her. But it had all been a lie. Those moments that she had put down to him loving her too much, they were what he was doing this for, not the other way around. That is what he was really after. He was everything like the men he had warned her about. He had made her feel so special, but she wasn’t. Just like the kids at school told her, she was just nothing. She thought of Carl and realised that he was probably playing exactly the same trick on her as Eric. Lavishing her with attention until he could get what he wanted. Well, she wasn’t going to stand for it any more. Pulling herself up the adrenaline from knowing she was going to stand up for herself quelled the pain from her back.

  “You don’t love me.” She paused, breathing through the spasms of pain radiating through her. “You just want to do those awful things to me to satisfy yourself!” She knew what she wanted to ask next but she was afraid of the answer. She sucked in a deep breath and carried on. She’d got this far.

  “What I don’t understand, is why you had to spend so much time making me feel special? Why lie?” She could feel tears welling in her eyes. She had trusted him. But all along she was as worthless as when she first met him.

  He had stilled when she began talking but when they both heard the unshed tears in her voice, he recovered and moved towards her, until he was directly in front of her.

  “It is easier if you are compliant,” he said. “It saves me from worrying about you telling anyone, what we are up to.” His tone was so matter of fact, it made it hurt even more than if he had screamed at me. “If I made you love me, then you wouldn’t leave me. I do love you; at first I saw what everyone else saw. A dull, ugly, fat little girl. But I have made you better. Without me, you are nothing. Just a whore. As I am sure your boy down there will soon show you.” He motioned back towards the river, a cruel smile on his face.

  “I didn’t have to spend all this time and money on you but I felt sorry for you. No one will ever want you, Billie. You aren’t funny. You aren’t intelligent. You aren’t special. You aren’t pretty. You aren’t wanted. The only people that will ever love you will be your family and that’s only because they have to. You will just be sex to any man you meet. There is nothing special about you. But I am willing to overlook that. Why do you think you have no friends? You need me. That’s what I figured when I saw you. I knew if I made you feel loved, that you would be mine. You should be thanking me. No one else will ever want you. But I have forced myself to love you. If you stick with me, I will make sure you want for nothing. I am your only chance in this life at being happy.” He was so eloquent. Even when confessing, how he had tricked her into believing she was special. Even when insulting the very nature of her being, his wording was elegant and to the point. And worse still, he was convincing. Everything he said was like a knife to her back and it seemed like he was the only one that could stop the bleeding.

  Her spirit felt crushed and the anger she had felt before had fled as if it knew that it was an unrighteous anger. She had known from a very young age that she was not special. Her dad had abandoned her before she could even talk. Her mother was more concerned with her own relationships and her own world. She wasn’t the apple of her mum’s eye, the way that she saw other mothers treat their daughters, the way her mum treated Holly. At school, she dreaded PE; she wasn’t top set for anything. She remembered Eric’s wonderful pep talk about how she was the best at being herself. But now here he was telling her it had all been a lie. She felt broken inside. She moved to walk past him. She needed to lie down. The pain in her side was slowly returning as her mind shut down, as she absorbed the truth about herself.

  He stopped her from moving past him. A light rain was starting to fall and she was already shivering from having jumped into the river and then standing still for so long. She felt his hard grip on her arm, made even more painful by the cold. The rain exacerbated the chill that was numbing her body.

  “Now look,” his tone was authoritative and made her look up at him. Didn’t he know he had done enough? What more could he possibly want from her?

  “We both know where we stand, there is no reason that this still can’t work. I’m happy to keep treating you exactly the same. Maybe you will be a bit more receptive now you know what I have had to put myself through for you. I expect no more refusals. And if you even think about telling anyone what has happened between us, I will be infuriated. I just hope that your sister won’t be nearby when I feel angry. And yes, I will be able to get to her, because if you did tell anyone, no one would believe you. We have already established your worth, so it isn’t hard to see whose word people would take. I am a respectable member of this neighbourhood.” He moved his other hand so that he was holding both her arms just under her shoulders. He glared at her. “Do you understand me?” he asked.

  She realised as she nodded her understanding that her life was never going to be the same again.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  2009

  Adam

  Adam walked into the school with his head held high, feeling confident. A man with a mission. It was Monday and he’d just spent one of the best weekends of his life with his uncle. On this trip, his uncle had told him exactly what to do when he saw Sophie today. When he spotted her at one of the back tables in the library, reading something, he took a deep breath and recalled his conversation with his uncle, trying to commit every word of advice into his head that he’d learnt on their trip. They had gone on a road trip and it was awesome. They took his uncle’s motorbike and just drove wherever Adam wanted. They played the left and right game. At each crossroad, Adam would tap his uncle’s left shoulder if they were to turn left or right shoulder to go right. Some of the views they saw where stunning. The power of the bike and the feel of the wind pressing on him from all sides was exhilarating. After hours of driving, his uncle stopped at a pub. Adam wasn’t sure where they were, and neither was his uncle. It was a strange feeling but made the sense of adventure even better.

  Adam was a little nervous when they walked into the pub. It felt like everyone turned around to stare as the door opened. He’d never been one who liked to be the centre of attention. It didn’t seem to bother his uncle, though. He shot the barmaid a charming smile and ordered drinks, oblivious to the stares of the locals who were taking in his and Adam’s leathers. His uncle started chatting with the barmaid and told Adam to go and find a seat and he’d get them some food.

  Adam walked past a family of four on his way to the booths in the corner. As he sat down, he felt the familiar slice through his heart when he thought of his mother. Last week it had been the anniversary of her death. Sometimes it felt like she had died yesterday, his mind would fill up with her shining hair and her sparkling eyes and relive the laughter that surrounded her. The force of nature she was. The gentle touch of her hands running through his hair. Other times, though, he felt like he was losing his memories of her. When he tried to picture her face, he could see her hair and her eyes, but the rest of her face was blurry. Then he would feel the weight of every day he had been without her, it made it difficult to get out of bed. That was what this trip was about. His uncle had called and heard Adam’s voice and knew that he was struggling with the anniversary.

  His uncle came over, even his walk boasted of his confidence. Adam really hoped that he would grow up to be exactly like him. He was cool, he could talk to anyone and most of all he was really kind. Everyone could see it. All his teachers at school loved Eric. They all thought that Uncle Eric lived with Adam and his dad. He was Adam’s emergency contact. He was the one Adam brought to school events. The mums and teachers were bowled over by his uncle’s generous nature. He would volunteer for anything and he was always donating money for this and that. Last month, his uncle had come down for the bake sale that the school was holding to raise funds for a ne
w sports centre. Adam had panicked because it was a weekend and the school had said that everyone had to have a grown-up with them and a selection of cakes. His father would either refuse to go, or he’d go, but only after some ‘Dutch courage’, which would end up with him being asked to leave. Luckily Uncle Eric was free that weekend, after he’d heard the fear in Adam’s voice. His uncle was Adam’s guiding light in the darkness that had filled his life the day his mum had died.

  “Smile, son.” His uncle was so perceptive, he knew exactly when Adam was sad or when he needed to be cheered up. “You know what you need, you need a girl.”

  “But I only broke it off with Elle a couple of weeks ago. It wouldn’t be right.”

  “Son, you’re only young. You can do what you want. It’s not like you and Elle were married. Now come on, think. I had a look when we were at the bake sale. You’ve got quite a few options in your year. I was talking to a lovely young lady called Sophie?”

  “You didn’t talk to her about me? That’s so embarrassing; why would you do that? Anyway, my mates would all ditch me if I went out with her. She’s a nerd.” Adam’s foot started shaking up and down. What if Sophie told everyone at school that his uncle was trying to set them up? He’d never live it down. His uncle didn’t understand, there were people you could go out with and people you couldn’t even look at.

  “Calm down, son. I didn’t say anything about you. I just asked her about herself. I was sizing her up for you. What are uncles for?” he said as he rubbed his knuckles on Adam’s head. “She’s perfect. I only had to give her a couple of compliments and she opened right up.”

  “But I don’t like Sophie.”

  “Oh Adam, you do disappoint me.” Adam felt like he’d been hit over the head. His uncle had never said anything like that to him. He’d only ever shown Adam kindness. To feel that his uncle was disappointed with him made him feel sick. He didn’t really understand how disagreeing with his uncle was wrong.

  “Don’t say that, I don’t get it,” said Adam, trying not to let his distress show in his voice.

  “I’m sorry, son, I didn’t mean to upset you. What I mean is, we have already talked about this. You said that you understood the advice that I was giving you. I thought you saw the bigger picture. I thought you were a smart boy who made clever decisions. I thought you wanted my help and guidance,” his uncle sighed heavily, deflating with what looked like sadness. “I’m sorry, I was just trying to help you, without your mother around to guide you I thought you might want me to help you with things like this. Don’t worry, I’ll keep my mouth shut from now on. You do as you like. I’m an old man, what do I know about young lads and their troubles?”

  The words tumbled out of Adam’s mouth as he tried to placate his uncle. He couldn’t have him thinking Adam didn’t value his advice or support. He was the only person that cared about Adam. He didn’t have anyone else. He couldn’t lose his uncle.

  “No, no, I do want your advice. You’re the best uncle in the world. I do want your advice, please explain more about Sophie. I just wasn’t thinking before. Please go on, tell me what you thought.” His uncle was silent, he just examined him intently. Adam squirmed under his gaze. Whatever his uncle was assessing Adam needed to pass. He couldn’t lose his uncle.

  Adam was about to explode from the tension when his uncle began to speak. “Alright, son, listen up. This is what you need to do.”

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  2010

  Billie

  The only way that Billie was going to escape was through her exams. She had chosen the university that she wanted to go to. She knew the course that she thought she might like to do. She knew the grades she needed to get. She had got relatively good GCSE grades so she was confident that by going to the furthermost university from the Lake District she would be free. She wanted to run away now but she was a coward. She had nowhere to go. All she needed to do was to get through the next few weeks. She had made expert revision cards that she was rather proud of. Her bedroom was covered in spider diagrams that she had spent hours painstakingly colouring in, trying to find any way to make the information absorb into her brain and stay there.

  Since the day at the river, her life for the past year had eventually settled into a routine. In the beginning, she had tried to avoid ever being alone with Eric. She was terrified that, now the bandage had been ripped off so to speak, there would be no limit to what he would make her do. But that had lasted for only one month before he had shown her the error of her ways.

  She had been walking back from the bus stop and he had been waiting down one of the many alleys that crisscrossed the village connecting various streets. It was the perfect movie-like scenario, in which he had grabbed her, put his hand over her mouth and dragged her into the darkness of the alley. The smell of rotting food wafted from somewhere in one of the gardens. But the large trees that lined the alley stopped her from seeing where the smell was coming from.

  “I thought we had a deal,” he whispered into her ear. The other kids were still walking home, she could hear their shouted conversations, and through the trees she could just see patches of colour as they walked past.

  “Let go of me!” she tried to scream through his hand, struggling to be free.

  “Did you think that you could avoid me? Did I not make myself clear? You will do as I say.” He shook her slightly, as if for emphasis. “Your sister has still been coming around. But I haven’t seen you. It’s been making me terribly angry. I may not be able to resist taking it out on that sister of yours. Or maybe I will start coming over to see you.” He paused as if this was a new thought. “Hmm… that sounds like a better plan. I still have the spare key from when you all went away to America. Maybe next time when you wake up, I will be there. I will be watching. You will never know if I will be coming to you or not. I could even be going to your sister’s room. You are leaving me with no choice. If you won’t come and see me, then I will be forced to see you. But I might not be as nice.” With that, he released her and thrust her forwards out of the alley.

  Billie took the warning seriously. She figured out a routine that kept Eric happy and allowed her to spend as little time with him as possible. Her only respite was when he went away on weekends. She would go over straight after school. Her gran was normally out at work, and even if she was at home, Eric found a way around it. He didn’t want to do sexual things every day. Some days he would be the old Eric, he would make her laugh and for just a moment, despite everything, she would forget who he really was. It made it hard to hate him, if he just used her for her body every day, then she would be able to harden towards him. But he wasn’t like that. Despite all the violence and the lies, he was able to get under her skin and make her briefly forget what he really wanted from her. She knew that it was just his way of keeping her under control but she couldn’t help it. She could tell from his body language whether he would be nice or horrible when he opened the door to her each day. Her body would sag with relief when she saw there was no wicked gleam in his eyes that meant he had been thinking about what he wanted to do to her. She would go inside and he would soon be poking her constantly until she was laughing, albeit reluctantly. He would tell her jokes and play pranks on her. Some days he would play games or take her out for dinner. It was these days that made Billie feel guilty. Like she was encouraging him. She should hate him for what he was doing to her but she still went for dinner with him.

  It didn’t make any sense. When he wasn’t nice to her, she was terrified of him, when he wanted that from her, it filled her with fear that he was going to, one day, go from touching to actual sex. She hated the fact that she could still fall for his charm when she spent most of her time terrified of him.

  Eventually, she stopped trying to figure it out. At the end of the day, this was her life now. No one would believe her if she told someone what he was doing, how could they after they were always being seen together, going to dinner, playing tennis; it just would not make sense. How c
ould anyone take her seriously when she would laugh and smile in his presence? Even if she wanted to tell anyone, she was far too scared. Whenever she was with him, when he was in that mood, she would shake with fear. He was aggressive and sometimes violent with her when she refused him. She had been on the receiving end of his violent outbursts so many times and she couldn’t bear to imagine what he would do to her if she did tell anyone. His threats on her sister still rang out in her head as clear as day. Could she really be so selfish? Condemn her sister to his fists of anger and his wandering fingers of lust just to save herself? No, she was the older sister, it was her job to keep Holly safe. So this was her life now. She just had to keep her head down and study and she might be able to find a way to save her sister and maybe she could escape to university. If Eric didn’t ruin that too.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  2009

  Adam

  Adam was sat at the kitchen table with university prospectus brochures spread out in front of him. He had a big decision ahead of him. Half of him wanted to move away, to escape his drunken father. But like his uncle Eric had pointed out, what would become of his dad if Adam was to move away? At the moment, when his father came in rolling drunk, Adam put him to bed, in the recovery position so that there was less risk of him swallowing his tongue again. Adam was the one who hid the car keys so he would not drink-drive. Adam was the one who locked him the house when he tried to go drinking for seven days in the week. Adam’s influence had stopped his dad from drinking every day and now he was only drinking three days a week. Two of the other days were spent at a part-time job working in a friend’s garage. His high-powered London job was a thing of the past. Adam cooked the food, cleaned the house and made sure all the bills were paid. He didn’t really like his dad, they never spoke apart from necessary conversations. They never spent any time together unless his father was unconscious or they were passing each other on the stairs or coming from the kitchen.