The Puppet Master Page 6
Billie
To Billie’s delight, since that first kiss, they spent a lot of their time kissing. She couldn’t doubt his feelings now and she could feel herself trusting him in a way she never had before. She no longer panicked at his touch and she could feel her confidence growing when she was with him. This couldn’t have been more evident when he manoeuvred her into going for a drink with his friends. They had been seeing each other for a while and he knew exactly how to get her to do things she didn’t want, mostly by kissing her until she forgot the reasons why she didn’t want to. So she walked behind him, forcing him to near enough drag her all the way to the pub, her stomach whirling in turmoil. It was one thing to be comfortable with Adam but another to sit in a group of people. When she said as much, he countered that the only way to get over her fear was to force herself to do the thing she was afraid of. As she couldn’t explain to him that her fear didn’t come out of shyness but more self-preservation, she had no choice but to go with him.
They reached the pub and she was momentarily distracted from her fear by the beautiful wooden beams that lined the ceilings and walls and the incredibly uneven floors. It was so rustic and olde-worlde. They approached a group of people who were chatting amiably. She would have put her chair behind his chair to hide but as if he had read her mind, he refused to let go of her hand and guided her to a chair next to his, so they were all sat around a table where she couldn’t possibly be missed.
She was terrified as soon as she looked around the table. First, Adam introduced her to Tom. He was sat next to her and he smiled with kind eyes framed with stylish black glasses. He looked a bit like a computer nerd with his scrawny body and his shirt with a jumper over it and the hunched way that he held himself. Sat next to Tom was Amy. Billie noticed with relief that Amy was of a similar size to her. Skinny Barbie types gave her shuddering flashbacks to her secondary school years.
Her relief was dispelled when Amy instantly got up and came and wrapped her arms around Billie in greeting. “So happy to finally meet you, we’ve heard so much about you!” She had only just got used to Adam and this bear hug from Amy was a shock to the system. Adam must have noticed her discomfort because he suddenly spoke up.
“Put her down, she’s shy. Don’t go scaring her off.” She was released and she sank gratefully back into her seat next to Adam. He immediately but his hand on her knee but she didn’t tense up. He was her only ally here so she was glad to feel connected to him. Protected even. Billie looked around the table apprehensively, it had been a very long time since she had sat around in a pub with a group of people. She pushed down the horrible memories that were bubbling to the surface and instead resolved that she would have a good time. Adam was there, he would not let anything happen to her. So she lowered some of her barriers and actually attempted to join in their conversations.
It had been over five years since she had had a voluntary conversation with people. She had made a few friends in her halls during her first year of university but they hadn’t lasted because she was too damaged by her past. The people in her flat wanted to go out clubbing and have a good time. They were carefree but she saw danger everywhere that she went. The man she picked up her mail from had the same twinkle in his eyes as him. The boy dancing next to her in the club was going to beat her if she didn’t have sex with him. All these possible dangers pervaded her consciousness and she couldn’t relax and more often than not ended up having a full blown panic attack wherever she was.
Her traumatic past made it so hard to appreciate and partake in the normal university experience and as she would not open up to anyone, people just left her alone. Her years at university taught her to move around without attracting attention. She knew how to blend in and that you should never make eye contact with anyone as it only encourages interactions. She managed to get an admin job in the second year of university so that she could live alone in her second and third year. One of the people that she shared with in the first year, John, had asked her what she was doing for a house the following year. When she told him, he’d said that he was sorry that she had to live alone, but that she was doing the right thing, as the screaming in the middle of the night did cause a problem for him.
The limited life that she lived meant that a lot of what Adam’s friends spoke about made little or no sense to Billie. It wasn’t until Amy mentioned a book that she had just finished that Billie felt able to actually contribute something interesting to the conversation. To Billie’s delight, this led to an animated debate between her (who hated the book) and Amy (who loved it). She had never spoken so much or felt the joy of comparing thoughts on a passion so close to her heart. She was amazed at how easy it was and that it was nice not to be scared. This connection with Amy seemed to unlock her old interactive skills and she felt more comfortable being part of this group the longer the evening went on.
As the night drew to a close, Billie and Adam left the pub hand in hand. The wind was blowing the autumn leaves across the pavement as they walked to his car. But Billie didn’t notice the wind, she didn’t notice anything. Tonight, there were no shadows across her heart. Billie felt like her entire body was glowing.
All the way home, she would glance over at Adam and a rush of heat would fill her chest. Before she met him, she was convinced that no one could be trusted, but now Adam was showing her things and pushing her to do things she hadn’t realised she’d badly wanted to do. All those times she’d watched conversations in the cafe from her place in the shadows, she recognised now that she wasn’t eavesdropping for entertainment, but because deep down a part of her wanted to overcome her past and rejoin society. Make connections, relationships and have friends. She had told herself repeatedly that she didn’t need that. Tonight had shown her that she had yearned for it.
Adam had done that for her and she could barely contain her gratitude and the depths of her feelings for him. She contemplated sitting him down and telling him everything. After all, he had done for her, whether he appreciated it or not, it was the least he deserved. The thought dampened her joy and she was conscious of the fact she wasn’t ready, yet. But the fact she had thought about it was significant progress. She felt wrapped in a silken cocoon of euphoria and was beginning to think that she was going to get the ‘happy ever’ after that she had thought impossible for her.
Chapter Seven
Adam
Adam was fed up of feeling so confused. He felt like he was living on a see-saw. One minute he was thinking about all the bad things that Billie had done and hating her for drawing him in. Then he was kissing her with a passion he didn’t even know that he was capable of, and all thoughts of what she’d done vanished into the aether. Their relationship was deepening in spite of him trying to keep his focus on what he was doing. The whole situation was crazy because he knew what she had done. Or did he? He wanted to test her. He had been investigating the exact details of what Billie had done and yesterday a mate from university, who was now a police detective, had come through with some more information giving him what he needed. It didn’t make for pleasant reading and he felt sick and drained as he digested it. He almost wished he hadn’t read it. But he needed to concentrate on getting to the truth. In the back of his mind, he was beginning to question what exactly that was.
It was a stormy Sunday and they were trapped inside by the harsh weather. Billie was lying with him on his sofa. Man, he was so turned on. All it would take was one simple manoeuvre and he would be on top of her, where he really wanted to be. He was a man, after all. Emotions didn’t come into it when an attractive girl was lying right next to him. Fiery red hair splayed across his chest. Her ample breasts pressed up against his side. He needed a distraction. He scrolled through the channels on Sky. The whispers of a plan came to him as he saw the programme Rome, one of his favourite series. Looking at the information for it, he realised he knew the episode. Hmm… given what he’d learnt from her file, this might be a way to provoke a reaction from her. A trigger for a conversation about he
r past. He let the episode play on hoping that he might be closer to finding out who the hell this girl really was so his brain could stop hurting.
It was towards the end of the episode that the violence really started. He had begun to drift off, he’d seen the episode before so it didn’t hold his interest. Billie tensing up next to him jolted him from his doze. He watched her out the corner of his eye. He was higher up than her so he could see her but he didn’t think she could see he was watching her. Her hand that had been on his chest moments before was now by her side and she kept clenching it. He was shocked when he felt her begin to shake. He was about to start the conversation he had been longing to have when she stood up and ran towards the door. She hastily told him she was ill before running out of the room – but not before he saw the tears streaming down her face. Oh man. She really had done it. His righteous anger burned in his. Damn. He’d been taken for a ride. He’d fallen for her act.
Billie
Everything was going well with her relationship with Adam. Instead of focusing on being invisible and safe she was able to be the person that she always wanted to be. She was at his apartment. She liked it here, everything was new and expensive but it was so Adam. The large television, the cosy sofa - it suited him. She had managed to wiggle herself so that every part of her was touching a part of him while they lay on the sofa watching the television. God, she loved the feel of another person, the emotions that it gave her, the tingling it caused in her stomach. Adam had asked her what she wanted to watch but she was happy just being with him so he had chosen some Roman programme.
She was zoning between trying to understand all the archaic terms and watching Adam watch the programme. Screams from the TV drew her eyes from Adam and she was horrified to see a woman being sexually attacked. Although she knew that the woman was an actor it triggered far too many memories for her. She felt her breath shortening and she was tensed up as if in preparation for an attack. She tried to calm herself but she could feel the blood pulsing in her ears and she was sure that Adam would hear it too. She glanced at him and he was glued to the television. She didn’t know if she was relieved or disgusted. Seeing what happened to her paraded as entertainment, it was like they were normalising it. Like the volumes of people that die in movies. That is now commonplace. No one thinks about the families of the people being killed as easily as stamping on ants. What happened to her had changed her entire life and would influence her and stay with her until her last breath. The people watching scenes like that on TV would probably forget about what they had watched by the time they went to bed.
How could Adam, her perfect Adam, watch this? He wasn’t showing any signs of revulsion or looking away. But then he didn’t know what had happened to her. She realised that she was being unduly harsh and judgemental. She was sure if he knew then he would never put her through this. She took a deep breath and then thought about excusing herself to go to the bathroom. When she couldn’t calm herself and the tears began to fall, she knew she needed to leave. She got up abruptly and as she grabbed her coat and bag and walked out the door, she told him, “I’m sorry, I have to go, I’m not feeling well.” She shut the door firmly behind her.
Once home she was convinced that the relationship was over. She couldn’t be with someone who could watch something like that, and he probably thought she was crazy to run off for no reason. She felt awful. He was probably sat at home wondering what it was he’d done to make her leave. After all, she wasn’t ill when they were kissing and cuddling. Oh, Adam, she wished she could find the strength to tell him what happened to her. But she knew if she did it would bring it all back and she didn’t think she’d be able to deal with it.
After her disastrous first year trying to fit in with her fellow university students, she realised that she needed to do two things. Firstly, if she stayed away from people, then she would not have to feel the shaking fear of what they might do. Secondly, she needed to compartmentalise, by keeping her life simple she could concentrate on burying emotions and memories she just couldn’t handle.
Being with Adam was distracting her from keeping those memories locked away. He was opening her up to the world and with that, she was starting to look up and take in the world around her and that brought triggers of memories she couldn’t cope with, reminding her why she stayed isolated. But the pros of being with him far outweighed grappling with these memories. His positive energy and his gentle, loving nature were addictive. He was unlike anyone she had ever met and his unpredictable nature was able to bring her out of self-imposed isolation. He was a lovely man and she couldn’t help but trust him. Even after a couple of blips, their first meeting and the bracelet he hadn’t given up on her. From their first date he had hinted that he knew that something had happened to her and she reasoned that was why he hadn’t thought she was a crazy weirdo that he needed to stay away from. Every time that they were together she could see that he was doing whatever he could to make her feel comfortable. Before he took her hand or kissed her, he always hesitated, giving her the chance to refuse him.
After thinking everything through she recognised that she didn’t want things to end with Adam. It was her that had the problem so she needed to sort this out. For the first time in their relationship, she would go to him and make the first move. Before she changed her mind, she jumped up, got dressed in her nicest clothes; a modest black dress and a matching cardigan.
She didn’t have a car. She had wanted to get a car but she just couldn’t afford it. She lived on the outskirts of Worcester whereas Adam lived over by the river in St John’s. She was used to walking everywhere but a brief glimpse at the relentless rain battering her window had her dialling a female-only taxi driver service that she always used when she couldn’t face the weather. At the beep of the horn, she rushed out to the car. All the way there she agonised over what was going to happen when she got to his flat. But she had absolutely no reason to doubt Adam; he’d done nothing but show patience and kindness towards her. So she had to take a leap of faith.
Adam
Adam tried hard not to smile. He had done it. After she had run out of his apartment, he was convinced he had gone too far and he would never get his story. Part of him was relieved because he no longer had to deal with his growing feelings for her. He should have got out when he first began to see her as more than a story. He’d just settled in on his sofa, watching his favourite ‘how it’s made’ programme on his man-sized TV when the buzzer went. He hoped it was his uncle. He hadn’t spoken with him for a while and he regularly turned up unannounced now that he lived close by. He couldn’t believe it when he saw Billie, her hair was plastered to her face, rain trickled down her face but she didn’t seem to notice. This was so unlike her, since they met, Adam had done all the running. It was up to him to steer the course of their relationship, navigating through the bumps along the way. It must have taken her a lot of courage to take this step. As he let her into the flat a broad smile broke out on his face as he realised the significance of this gesture. She wanted him.
Her flight reflex was evident from their very first meeting but now she had come back to him on her own. He’d broken through her barriers and she was now ready to admit her feelings. It warmed his heart but as soon as it did he reminded himself of the guilt that he had seen on her face when she left his flat. It was the first break in her composure that shed some light on what happened. She couldn’t stand to watch a woman being attacked because of what had happened in her past. When he first found out about Billie, before he knew her, he was expecting a shrewd, scheming, emotionless woman. But when he did meet her and got to know her he found a defensive, meek and endearing girl. He tried so hard to break those defences so that he could understand how she could do what she did. When he put on the programme, he was hoping it would be a way to prompt a discussion into her past, but instead, she reacted so emotionally. It was his first glimpse of the girl she used to be, even if it was only a display of the guilt she must be carrying around.
Before then he had been questioning whether everything he had learned about Billie was right. But now it was easier to shut down the growing feelings he had. He could concentrate on getting the truth. And now here she was at his door, taking the first steps into trusting him. It would not be long now until she told him everything and then he could get the story he needed, to get justice for the people she’d hurt and to further his career. He just needed to make sure his emotions didn’t get in the way.
Chapter Eight
Adam
Adam had always been a light sleeper. It became a habit after his mother died, when his father would come home perspiring alcohol and Adam had to make sure that he didn’t choke on his own vomit. Tonight he couldn’t sleep because, for the first time, there was a woman in his bed. Since she had come over to make peace, their relationship had become deeper. Well, for Billie anyway. Adam was trying to despise Billie for what she had done but he couldn’t. He put it down to being too close to her and he was sure once his purpose was realised he would regain his senses. He just had to put all his focus into Billie and developing her trust and feelings for him. Tonight, Adam had taken Billie disco roller-blading. He had discovered that she loved the eighties and nineties dance music and he was elated when she let her guard down and began to move to the music and showed a natural talent on skates. It was exhausting but fun and Billie had fallen asleep on the journey back. She looked so peaceful and his flat was nearer so he just took her there instead of hers which was the original plan. It was a big step as they’d only ever spent days or evenings together, never the whole night. Adam told himself that it was all part of the plan to get her to open up to him. She was trusting him more and more each time they saw each other but it wasn’t enough yet. A night staying at his apartment without anything bad happening would surely gain him some trust points. He was so close to getting her story, he knew it. She must have been deeply asleep as he managed to get her out of the car, up the stairs to his flat without her stirring.